What the Bible really says about abuse
I wrote this paper a few years ago to correct some of the common misconceptions about what the Bible says about women and their “place” in the context of dealing with abuse in the marriage. I hope it will be a comfort to those who are confused and suffering primary and secondary abuse (from those who, like Job’s “comforters,” give them poor counsel). Feel free to share it with anyone who needs to reconsider what the Bible really says on these things.
Matthew Henry called the Sermon on the Mount the greatest sermon ever preached by the greatest Preacher Who ever lived. In that sermon, Jesus corrected misconceptions about God’s Law. The people were in bondage to manmade rules that the religious leaders used to control them in a spiritually abusive way. These rules concerned outward behaviors and encouraged compliance in order to maintain power and feed the pride of those false shepherds. God’s Law, however, was not about outward compliance but about relationship with God and changing hearts that are humbly turned toward God and His grace for sin. This goes much deeper than outward appearances, and it’s based on love, as God condescends to His creatures, offering hope of redemption.
In the same way those scribes and Pharisees lorded it over others in order to foster their power and pride, domestic abusers and their enablers use the Bible inappropriately to control their victims. Jesus preached, “You have heard it said…BUT I say…” to set the record straight, putting the emphasis back on God’s mercy and our need for Him. This is a look at some ways modern-day wolves in sheep’s clothing twist the Bible, addressing misconceptions to offer hope to those who may be trapped by false teaching about abuse.
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You have heard it said…God hates divorce, so don’t destroy the institution of marriage by filing for divorce.
BUT, the Bible says: I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries. Yet I saw that her unfaithful sister Judah had no fear; she also went out and committed adultery. (Jeremiah 3:8)
AND: “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful. (Malachi 2:16)
Comment: There are some who teach a “permanence view” of marriage, saying that in God’s eyes the marriage vows are irrevocable, and that once those vows are made, nothing can sever the marriage bond. They may make an allowance for divorce in the case of adultery, but these extremists say that the divorced person may never remarry until her former spouse dies. However, the Bible says that marriage is a covenant, and that covenant bonds are sometimes dissolved by covenant breakers. Though He was very patient with Israel, comparing her to an unfaithful spouse, God eventually divorced Israel because of her covenantal infidelity. In Malachi 2:16, which some translations render as “God hates divorce,” the passage refers to a husband who breaks his covenant with his wife and how God hates that kind of unfaithfulness to the woman the husband is supposed to cherish and protect. In that instance, the husband is wrongly divorcing his wife for his own selfish pursuits. Pastor Sam Powell, a Hebrew scholar, points out that God permits divorce in Deuteronomy 24:1-4, saying, “God never permits that which He hates.” Pastor Powell explains that a literal translation of the troublesome Malachi passage would actually be, “Because he hates, let (her) go,” giving an abused woman freedom from a husband who hates her. The context in Malachi speaks about the problem of treachery in covenant relationships and God’s response to that evil. The following words from Pastor Powell are comforting to abused women who have been hammered with the accusation that they are responsible for ending their marriages when they file for divorce from an abusive husband:
The point is that there are things in this world that God hates far, far more than divorce. He hates treachery. He hates bagad. It is a violation of his nature, of his faithfulness, of our calling as creatures in his image. He hates all forms of it. He hates oppression. He hates persecution. He hates lying and deceit. He hates the proud, treacherous heart. He hates the entitlement mentality that says “I am; and there is none like me!” God hates the hatred that a man has for his wife, causing him to rail at her, to oppress her, to take a mistress or another wife. He hates the disharmony that wicked men cause in their home.
If you insist on treating your wife like this, set her free. It will be the only decent thing you’ve ever done.
The abuser is the one who has destroyed the marriage. Filing for divorce is merely acknowledgement of this and a way for an abused woman to protect herself from a treacherous man.
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You have heard it said…women’s reports of abuse cannot be trusted because Eve was deceived first in the Garden.
BUT, the Bible says: Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony, “He told me everything I ever did.” So when the Samaritans came to him, they urged him to stay with them, and he stayed two days. And because of his words many more became believers. They said to the woman, “We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world.” (John 4:39-42)
AND: Now on the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they, and certain other women with them, came to the tomb bringing the spices which they had prepared. But they found the stone rolled away from the tomb. Then they went in and did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. And it happened, as they were greatly perplexed about this, that behold, two men stood by them in shining garments. Then, as they were afraid and bowed their faces to the earth, they said to them, “Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen! Remember how He spoke to you when He was still in Galilee, saying, ‘The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.’ ” And they remembered His words. Then they returned from the tomb and told all these things to the eleven and to all the rest. It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the other women with them, who told these things to the apostles. And their words seemed to them like idle tales, and they did not believe them. (Luke 24:1-11)
AND: I commend to you our sister Phoebe, a deacon of the church in Cenchreae. I ask you to receive her in the Lord in a way worthy of his people and to give her any help she may need from you, for she has been the benefactor of many people, including me. (Romans 16:1-2)
Comment: There are some who say that women are more emotional and unstable than men, therefore, if they come forward with reports of abuse, they are often overreacting and cannot be believed. I Timothy 2:12-14 addresses a particular problem in the church in Ephesus that involved a woman who was ignorantly teaching heresy to a man, comparing her error to that of Eve ignorantly giving the fruit to her husband in the Garden. This correction is to prohibit women from teaching heresies, not to make a statement about all women being unreliable witnesses due to their sex. In contrast to that silly notion, we see the amazing respect Jesus showed the Samaritan woman at the well, going against cultural norms to speak to her about God, inspiring her to tell others about Jesus. She even brought others to Him because of her testimony, which in that society was traditionally considered undependable because she was a woman. Then, we see the women bravely going to Jesus’s tomb to lovingly care for His body after He was crucified, even though He was killed as a criminal and association with Him could endanger their lives, too. When the angel told them He was risen, they excitedly went to tell the disciples who were cowering in a room, forgetting what Jesus had told them about His resurrection. When the women shared the good news, the disciples had the temerity to think the women were sharing “idle tales”! We also see that Paul, who has been falsely accused of misogyny, was not only aware of the large contribution women made to his ministry and the support of the early church, but he actually entrusted Phoebe with a very important letter to the church at Rome, the longest epistle in the New Testament canon, a work that is the bedrock foundation for systematic theology with its careful exposition of our need for justification and the fulfillment of that need in the work of Jesus. Paul obviously did not intend to malign women as untrustworthy, overemotional creatures, in spite of the way his words to Timothy have been twisted to give that impression.
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You have heard it said…all women should submit to all men for all time because Jesus eternally submits to the Father, and that husbands as “heads” of their wives are to be in charge of them.
BUT, the Bible says: Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:18-20)
AND: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:21-22)
AND: For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior…. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” (Ephesians 5:23-32)
AND: For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. (Romans 12:4, 5)
Comment: This gets a little complicated, but there is a debate going on in the church regarding a doctrine called Eternal Subordination of the Son (ESS), that has been promoted by conservative theologians such as Wayne Grudem to buttress the concept of complementarianism in marriage. This view says that God designed women from creation to be subordinate in their “role” and that the “role” of Jesus in His voluntary submission to the will of the Father when He became man is a picture of God’s eternal relationship with His Son that is portrayed in the marriage relationship. This view emphasizes hierarchy and submission, and a husband’s “headship” is representative of his authority over his wife. Unfortunately, some even apply this concept to the relationship of all men to all women, and it has been used to justify abuses of authority in churches where women are told they must submit to the dictates of pastors and elders without question. However, the Bible’s emphasis, when looking at context and not prooftexts, is on the authority of Jesus and the unity of His relationship with God, as well as His distinct personality in the Trinity. This mystery of union and distinction is reflected in the marriage relationship. Rather than emphasizing authority and submission in Ephesians 5, the passage gives an injunction in verse 21 for ALL believers to submit to one another, following a lengthy explanation of all the benefits of being in Christ and a call to unity based on those benefits we enjoy together. The head/body metaphor is used here and elsewhere to convey the concept of unity, not hierarchy; this is also emphasized in passages that speak of the beautiful unity and diversity in the Body of Christ. Wives whose husbands are abusive to them have the right and the obligation as fellow heirs to protest the assault on their God-given position of honor in the marriage union. Church leaders and other believers have the obligation to protect them as essential and co-equal members of the Body of Christ.
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You have heard it said…if someone says he is sorry, you need to forgive and forget.
BUT, the Bible says: So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” (Luke 17:3-4)
AND: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (I John 1:9)
AND: But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.” (Matthew 3:7-8)
AND: Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. (II Corinthians 7:10)
AND: Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. (Romans 12:17-19)
Comment: It sounds like the Christian thing to do: Forgive others any offense, even if they never repent, and if someone says the right words in a row, then you are obligated to not only forgive them, but to restore fellowship or relationship, no matter how heinous their offense. Yet the little word “if” in Luke 17 and I John 1:9 implies some conditions surrounding forgiveness. The one who has been harmed does not bear the weight of obligation to make amends with the one who sinned against them. That does not mean they have the right to be bitter or vengeful, or to withhold forgiveness if there is true repentance. But the Bible even distinguishes between true and false repentance, saying that the repentant person will show fruits of that repentance, and that we can only do what we are able to do to be at peace with others. Others also have an obligation to do what’s right, otherwise they may be in danger of God’s wrath. Depending on what offense has been committed, the decision about how to proceed after forgiveness is given belongs to the one who has been harmed. A woman who has been abused by her husband may decide to take him back if she believes he is reformed, but if he has broken the marriage covenant, she has the right to decide not to continue in the marriage, and her decision does not indicate an unwillingness to forgive. It is also helpful to remember that confronting the sin of another person in order to bring about repentance is a loving thing to do on their behalf, giving them an opportunity to confess their sin and be made right with God. Confrontation of this kind in no way implies unforgiveness.
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You have heard it said…a wife should never refuse to have sex with her husband.
BUT: Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. (Colossians 3:19)
AND: You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery… (Galatians 5:13-19)
AND: The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. (I Corinthians 7:3-6)
AND: “In that day,” declares the LORD, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master.’ (Hosea 2:16)
Comment: Many of Paul’s epistles were written to correct heresies that arose in the early church, due to the integration of the Gentiles into the faith, with their previous pagan practices influencing their post-conversion lives. The churches Paul planted were often in the midst of cities filled with debauchery. Confronting the way these influences invaded the churches on one hand, while contending with legalistic Judaizers on the other, Paul had a hard job teaching the converts how to live according to God’s holy standards while living peacefully with each other as baby believers. One issue was how to keep these people sexually chaste in the midst of the perversions they were used to accepting. Even some Israelites had succumbed to temptation to engage in these sins. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians reminded them that both men and women had the right to expect loving sexual union with one another within the context of marriage, as opposed to joining themselves with harlots to satisfy their God-given sexual urges. Making this a “duty” for husbands toward their wives was a unique perspective, however, in a time when women were objects to be used rather than fellow human beings to love. Paul reiterated the importance of husbands being loving toward their wives in other passages of Scripture, as well. His words in I Corinthians 7 are not a way to give either spouse unfettered sexual access to the other. Rather, it’s a reminder of the comfort husbands and wives can be to one another in this special relationship. The book of Hosea portrays why God intends this loving sexual relationship to occur. Hosea is a picture of a tender husband who nurtures his unfaithful wife, and in Hosea 2:16, God expresses His intention for His relationship with His people to be one of loving connection (“my husband”) rather than servitude and obligation (“my master”). This is the image marriage is to present, not one fulfilling sexual demands from a selfish man, particularly not if he is using his wife to gratify lust rather than sharing a loving, intimate bond with her. An abused wife has every right to refuse sex with a man who is using her this way.
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You have heard it said…a wife is responsible for her husband’s sanctification, so she needs to have a quiet and gentle spirit, not speaking ill of him, so she can win him without a word.
BUT, the Bible says: When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. (John 16:13)
AND: One of those listening was a woman from the city of Thyatira named Lydia, a dealer in purple cloth. She was a worshiper of God. The Lord opened her heart to respond to Paul’s message. (Acts 16:14)
AND: Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. (Ephesians 5:11-13)
Comment: Sometimes it seems that women, particularly wives, are given a “pink letter edition” of the Bible to read, in which only certain “womanly” passages, removed from their context, are emphasized for them. All the “one another” verses that explain how believers are to live in unity in the church are overlooked when it comes to marital discord, and the tried and true verses about submission and quiet and gentle spirits are repeated to keep complaining wives in line. Yet the whole Bible is for all believers. Women have their own relationship with God, not mediated through a husband, and the same is true for the husband. Like other relationships with Christian brothers and sisters, they are to both encourage and rebuke one another, for the sake of the gospel and to be a means of sanctification. However, it is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict of sin. No wife can cause her husband to change his evil ways, no matter how hard she tries, no matter how perfectly she behaves. It is a cruel burden to put on any woman to make her think her husband’s salvation depends on her! Rather, if she is being abused by an angry man, she has the option of fleeing for her protection. In fact, when she exposes his sin, rather than hindering his relationship with God, she gives him an opportunity to deal with that sin rather than continuing to hide it. Whether he changes, or not, is between him and God, Who is the only One able to change hearts of stone to hearts of flesh.
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You have heard it said…if your husband is abusing you, it’s part of God’s plan for you to suffer for Jesus’s sake.
BUT, the Bible says: Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. (I Peter 4:12)
AND: Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12:15)
AND: I have heard many things like these;
you are miserable comforters, all of you!
Will your long-winded speeches never end?
What ails you that you keep on arguing?
I also could speak like you,
if you were in my place;
I could make fine speeches against you
and shake my head at you.
But my mouth would encourage you;
comfort from my lips would bring you relief. (Job 16:2-5)
AND: You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book. (Psalm 56:8, NLT)
AND: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. (II Corinthians 1:3-4)
Comment: In the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37), when the traveler was beaten and left for dead by the side of the road, the religious leaders ignored his plight and crossed to the other side, while an unlikely helper, a Samaritan, intervened to save the wounded man. In the same way, abuse victims are often ignored by Christian leaders and erstwhile friends who, like Job’s comforters, heap more abuse on wounded wives, hiding behind their spiritual platitudes that not only don’t offer comfort, but keep women in harm’s way. This is not how God would have the church treat abuse victims. While it’s true that suffering should not surprise us, its ubiquity is not an excuse to refuse succor to others. Instead, our loving and merciful God calls us to bear one another’s burdens, to mourn with those who mourn, to show our faith not just with our words, but by our actions. God gives us the Psalms as a reminder that it is okay to lament our suffering rather than just accept it. God also gives each of us the privilege of ministering to those who suffer, comforting them in “any trouble” (II Cor. 1:4). The Samaritan did not quiz the traveler to see if he was worthy to be helped. Instead, he sacrificially ministered to him, a picture of the mercy of God, mercy that none of us deserves, but that we are called to offer to others as His image bearers.
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You have heard it said…you have your own sin to deal with, so who are you to point out the sin in the abuser’s life? It takes two to tango.
BUT, the Bible says: The next day an evil spirit from God came forcefully on Saul. He was prophesying in his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand and he hurled it, saying to himself, “I’ll pin David to the wall.” But David eluded him twice. Saul was afraid of David, because the Lord was with David but had departed from Saul. So he sent David away from him and gave him command over a thousand men, and David led the troops in their campaigns. In everything he did he had great success, because the Lord was with him. When Saul saw how successful he was, he was afraid of him. (I Samuel 18:10-15)
AND: Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent–the LORD detests them both. (Proverbs 17:15)
AND: “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. (Matthew 18:15-17)
AND: Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person,
do not associate with one easily angered,
or you may learn their ways
and get yourself ensnared. (Proverbs 22:24-25)
Comment: Women who have gone to their churches for help when they have been abused often receive counsel to examine themselves first and confess their sins to God and their husbands, before they have the right to discuss the abusive actions done to them. Out of desperation and frustration, these women may have at times been angry toward their abusers, told lies to protect themselves and their children, or “complained” about their plight to others. Their abusers become their accusers, and the victims’ tender consciences are easily pricked while abusive men get away with far worse. God’s Word, however, has many examples of abusive people who preyed on the innocent, without any provocation at all. Saul’s attacks on David are an example of this. Rather than encouraging someone to ignore sin, the Bible encourages confronting sin, and when someone refuses to be repentant, we are to have nothing to do with them. It is important to remember that all of the Bible is for all believers, and that just because a woman is married doesn’t mean certain passages are no longer for her. A woman who is married to an angry man has every right to stop associating with him (see Proverbs 22:25) if he continues raging, especially if he turns his anger on his own family. Blaming innocent victims for somehow inciting the abuser to sin is akin to blaming rape victims for wearing the wrong clothing or for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
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You have heard it said…women need love but men need respect, so respect your abusive husband and he will change.
BUT, the Bible says: When Abigail went to Nabal, he was in the house holding a banquet like that of a king. He was in high spirits and very drunk. So she told him nothing at all until daybreak. Then in the morning, when Nabal was sober, his wife told him all these things, and his heart failed him and he became like a stone. About ten days later, the Lord struck Nabal and he died. (I Samuel 25:36-38)
AND: Now a man named Ananias, together with his wife Sapphira, also sold a piece of property. With his wife’s full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself, but brought the rest and put it at the apostles’ feet…Peter said to her, “How could you conspire to test the Spirit of the Lord? Listen! The feet of the men who buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out also.” At that moment she fell down at his feet and died. Then the young men came in and, finding her dead, carried her out and buried her beside her husband. Great fear seized the whole church and all who heard about these events. (Acts 5:1-2, 9-11)
AND: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35)
AND: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:33)
Comment: There is a popular book that lifts a verse out of Ephesians to make the case that men always need respect and women always need love, and that if they fulfill these needs for each other, their marriage problems will be solved. In a marriage where both partners want the best for each other, when they are experiencing typical marriage problems, this is not bad advice. In an abusive marriage, however, it is terrible advice. The book actually encourages women whose husbands drink too much or are prone to wander to quietly offer their husbands unconditional respect in order to fix the broken relationship. This is another example of the importance of context when applying God’s Word to particular situations. Two cautionary tales in Scripture, one from the Old Testament and one from the New, portray wives whose abusive husbands did not deserve respect. Abigail’s abusive husband Nabal endangered his entire household when he refused to help David. If his wife had not refused to respect his wishes, then David’s men would have destroyed her household. God honored her for not showing respect to Nabal…she even called him a fool! In Acts, Sapphira should have followed Abigail’s wise example when her husband instructed her to lie about the proceeds from property they sold. Instead, the respect she showed to her husband was disrespectful to God, and she was killed because of blindly obeying Ananias. It’s again important to remember that matrimony does not magically limit a woman’s access to all of Scripture. When Jesus command that his disciples love one another, he was speaking to a group of men, who do need love, just as women need respect. Above all, both men and women need to remember their allegiance is first to God and His kingdom, not to each other, and that all human relationships have boundaries and because of sin can never be based on unconditional commitments. If one partner persists in covenant-breaking, abusive behavior, the victim of that is free to say what’s true and leave, if necessary.
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Conclusion: God is loving and merciful, and He is also just. The Bible is replete with reminders of God’s compassion toward the oppressed and His promise that they will be vindicated. The book of Amos is God’s covenant lawsuit against Israel for thwarting justice and not caring about the plight of the oppressed (see 2:7). Twisting God’s Word to justify oppression is detestable to Him. As counselors who often meet broken people seeking help, we must be ready to reassure our clients that our just and loving God does not want to keep them in bondage to abusers, but God’s desire is that they would be free in order to serve Him (Galatians 5:1). This is the responsibility of all Christians, and the privilege of therapists who learn of abuse from clients who have been told they must submit to it.
Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy. (Proverbs 31:8-9)